I began playing my guitar in church when I was 13. At first I didn’t even have a mic - I just strummed along next to a couple “old guys” (probably the same age I am now…) and picked up chords, strums, and riffs. It was great fun, and I continued to help out with guitar for the next 10+ years, eventually with a mic on the guitar.
I was 27 when I went from being a volunteer in the band to being the Minister for Music and Worship at a large congregation in the north-east suburbs of Detroit. Something about my Sunday mornings was suddenly very different from when I was just volunteering in the band: I found myself completely wiped out by 12:30pm.
For a number of years, I assumed this was as simple as being tired from getting up early. The first services of the morning were at 8am, so a 6:30 arrival time was pretty normal, although it was a brutal experience for a nocturnal guy like myself. More recently, though, I’ve come to realize that this was a deeper issue than just needing a nap.
The truth is, it’s not just that I feel tired after morning services. I often feel down, emotionally spent, and the need to be alone. Those feelings are pretty consistent and aren’t a reaction to how well things did or didn’t go. I get to work with great musicians, lead people in singing, arrange music, create, improvise, praise, and be humbled by an amazing team of servants, so why am I not dancing to Pharrell Williams in the parking lot when it’s all done? I believe it’s a post-adrenal crash, and I bet there are a lot of other leaders who experience the exact same thing.
Unlike those glorious days of just showing up to play and fill my role on the team, now I’m the guy who bears the responsibility of managing the big picture. It’s exciting, fun, and yes, even frustrating at times. From the moment I arrive early in the morning to do a last check of details, through rehearsals and finally two services back-to-back, I am focused and energized. As soon as it all wraps up, I feel completely spent and want to crash.
I was doing some research and came across this descriptive scenario that pretty much could have been written about me:
The last song is played, the curtain closed, and the audience goes home. You are left with a gloomy, sad feeling inside—a sense of emptiness. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I was having the time of my life, and now I just feel...hollow.” Does this sound familiar?
This phenomenon is known as Post-Performance Depression (PPD), and it can be experienced by all types of performers from athletes to singers, speakers to drummers. Even a seasoned performer who does not have nervousness or stress leading up to the show can experience signs and symptoms of PPD. When the body experiences major shifts in mood, it is flooded with several different neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin, just to name a few), resulting in a bio-chemical release that leads to a feeling of ecstasy and excitement.
After these moments the nervous system needs time to recalibrate itself to prepare for another release. After an exciting performance the body starts to balance out the level of neurotransmitters, and therefore it is not releasing the same level that caused the exciting feelings, resulting in the lingering sadness. In normal day-to-day life, bio-chemicals are released and rest/recovery follow, causing the typical ups and downs of life. In the case of PPD, the process is more extreme with higher highs and lower lows.
What a relief it was to read this. Just knowing that all of those feelings were triggered by a physical reaction and not a sign of disappointment or dissatisfaction with my work took a big weight off my shoulders. It was also really helpful to share with my wife so that she could better understand how I was feeling and appreciate the little bit of extra space I needed while I recovered from the morning. Like a pendulum that's been pulled too far in one direction, my body and mind need time to recalibrate.
I would encourage other musicians in leadership roles to read the rest of that article, which outlines a few ideas for countering those feelings of Post-Performance Depression. You can find it here.
If you’re feeling burned out every week, you may get to a point where you wonder if this is the right thing for you. You may even begin to tell yourself that you’re not cut out for it or that the burden is too heavy. Be assured that these Post-Sunday-Morning-Blues are not unique to you, and can be a natural consequence of you "giving it your all.” And don’t forget that it’s a healthy thing to step back once in a while and let someone else shoulder all of the morning responsibilities so you can have the joy of not being the leader.
