Wiped Out

I began playing my guitar in church when I was 13.  At first I didn’t even have a mic - I just strummed along next to a couple “old guys” (probably the same age I am now…) and picked up chords, strums, and riffs.  It was great fun, and I continued to help out with guitar for the next 10+ years, eventually with a mic on the guitar.

I was 27 when I went from being a volunteer in the band to being the Minister for Music and Worship at a large congregation in the north-east suburbs of Detroit. Something about my Sunday mornings was suddenly very different from when I was just volunteering in the band:  I found myself completely wiped out by 12:30pm.

For a number of years, I assumed this was as simple as being tired from getting up early. The first services of the morning were at 8am, so a 6:30 arrival time was pretty normal, although it was a brutal experience for a nocturnal guy like myself. More recently, though, I’ve come to realize that this was a deeper issue than just needing a nap.

The truth is, it’s not just that I feel tired after morning services.  I often feel down, emotionally spent, and the need to be alone.  Those feelings are pretty consistent and aren’t a reaction to how well things did or didn’t go.  I get to work with great musicians, lead people in singing, arrange music, create, improvise, praise, and be humbled by an amazing team of servants, so why am I not dancing to Pharrell Williams in the parking lot when it’s all done?  I believe it’s a post-adrenal crash, and I bet there are a lot of other leaders who experience the exact same thing.

Unlike those glorious days of just showing up to play and fill my role on the team, now I’m the guy who bears the responsibility of managing the big picture.  It’s exciting, fun, and yes, even frustrating at times.  From the moment I arrive early in the morning to do a last check of details, through rehearsals and finally two services back-to-back, I am focused and energized.  As soon as it all wraps up, I feel completely spent and want to crash. 

I was doing some research and came across this descriptive scenario that pretty much could have been written about me:

The last song is played, the curtain closed, and the audience goes home. You are left with a gloomy, sad feeling inside—a sense of emptiness. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I was having the time of my life, and now I just feel...hollow.”  Does this sound familiar?

This phenomenon is known as Post-Performance Depression (PPD), and it can be experienced by all types of performers from athletes to singers, speakers to drummers. Even a seasoned performer who does not have nervousness or stress leading up to the show can experience signs and symptoms of PPD. When the body experiences major shifts in mood, it is flooded with several different neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin, just to name a few), resulting in a bio-chemical release that leads to a feeling of ecstasy and excitement. 

After these moments the nervous system needs time to recalibrate itself to prepare for another release. After an exciting performance the body starts to balance out the level of neurotransmitters, and therefore it is not releasing the same level that caused the exciting feelings, resulting in the lingering sadness. In normal day-to-day life, bio-chemicals are released and rest/recovery follow, causing the typical ups and downs of life. In the case of PPD, the process is more extreme with higher highs and lower lows.

What a relief it was to read this.  Just knowing that all of those feelings were triggered by a physical reaction and not a sign of disappointment or dissatisfaction with my work took a big weight off my shoulders.  It was also really helpful to share with my wife so that she could better understand how I was feeling and appreciate the little bit of extra space I needed while I recovered from the morning.  Like a pendulum that's been pulled too far in one direction, my body and mind need time to recalibrate.

I would encourage other musicians in leadership roles to read the rest of that article, which outlines a few ideas for countering those feelings of Post-Performance Depression.  You can find it here.

If you’re feeling burned out every week, you may get to a point where you wonder if this is the right thing for you.  You may even begin to tell yourself that you’re not cut out for it or that the burden is too heavy.  Be assured that these Post-Sunday-Morning-Blues are not unique to you, and can be a natural consequence of you "giving it your all.”  And don’t forget that it’s a healthy thing to step back once in a while and let someone else shoulder all of the morning responsibilities so you can have the joy of not being the leader.  

Faith Formation

When my daughter, Lydia, was around 3 years old, I remember a time driving in the car together when she spontaneously starting singing in the back seat.  Of course, anyone with a toddler knows that they can break out into song at any given moment, but what caught my attention on this occasion was what she was singing:

Oh the wonderful cross, bids me come and die and find that I might truly live.Oh the wonderful cross, all who gather here by faith draw near and bless Your name.

Not exactly “Old McDonald” material! 

It was a reminder that the songs and hymns we sing in church are formative.  Through those lyrics and melodies we learn scripture and theology. When we take that with us for the other 167 hours of the week, we bring the Word of God with us out of the church walls and into the context where we work, live, and play.  Or in Concordia lingo, we take a bit of our Be Still and put it into our Be Faithful - worship not confined to an hour at a church, but also part of our missional life.

All of this was brought to mind again when one of the members of our worship team shared with me some recordings of his 2 year old singing at home.  It says a lot about the faith of that little girl, and perhaps even more about the faith of her parents, who have taken the initiative to help her see that her faith is not just expressed on Sunday mornings.  With his permission, I’d like you to hear a couple of those songs for yourself ("Lord, I Need You" also features her xylophone skills!) Click here to listen.

Be Yourself

The first job I had out of college was as a high school Spanish teacher. It was either by a great stroke of luck or Divine Providence that I was the replacement for a substitute teacher who hardly spoke a word of Spanish. In spite of being a nervous first-year teacher with no real classroom experience, compared to that substitute teacher, I felt like a Spanish genius! Ever since then, though, I’ve not been so ‘lucky’. In fact, in every new teaching position and church music job thereafter, I’ve followed some very accomplished musicians, and if you’ve ever struggled with self-confidence, that situation can be very intimidating.

When faced with this reality, I’ve found it helpful to consider the things you can control and those that you can’t.  

Other People's Perceptions

You are not your predecessor.  Even if you’re called to fill the same position as someone else, your unique set of gifts and personality will ultimately dictate how you carry out your duties. Embrace this reality and speak about it openly. Remember that you have been chosen to serve at this time and place, and trust that the ministry will be moved forward through your particular gifts.

People grow comfortable with what they’re familiar with.  Try as you may not to rock the boat, you’re different, and not everyone responds well to different right off the bat. If your predecessor was a great leader and musician, chances are most people were really comfortable with the way he or she did their job. If you stick around long enough and turn out to be a great fit for your ministry, someday someone else will take your spot and have to live in your shadow for a while, too. Remember that this is a natural process, and in time, you will feel established and comfortable in your leadership.

Sometimes people are grieving.  Like I said in the beginning, if you follow someone who was a complete failure, you’re automatically off to a pretty good start. But when really good people leave a ministry to serve somewhere else, they are dearly missed. Some people may initially try and befriend you in order to fill that loss, only to be disappointed that they don’t share the same kind of relationship with you that they had with the last music director. Some of the musicians may have enjoyed a position of influence based on their friendship with your predecessor and now feel somewhat resentful that they are no longer ‘on the inside’. If you teach high school and replace a well-loved director, some kids might immediately reject you because they think it would somehow be a betrayal of their loyalty to the previous director. Keep in mind that you are not responsible for healing people’s grief.  Acknowledge their feelings and affirm them. Most of all, remember that, over time, people will come to terms with that loss and be ready to move forward.

Your Perceptions

Know your strengths. I didn’t say boast and brag about them, just know what they are and let them serve as an affirmation that you are qualified to be here. There are skills you’ve been blessed with that might not be obvious to people this new place of ministry, and there will probably be some people that will initially assume you’re ‘not as good’ as the last person. That’s okay.  You’re different, and the full value of your ministry leadership will not necessarily be apparent right off the bat. Focus on doing what you do best, stay humble, and stick with it.

Know your weaknesses.  I believe this is critical part of any leadership position. Do you know where your greatest deficiencies lie? Try and find the right people in your ministry to help supplement your leadership in areas where you are lacking. Rounding up support will help you succeed, and being cognizant of your weaknesses will help you better understand how your leadership will be different from your predecessor, who may have been very effective in an area with which you are not naturally gifted.

Know Who made you.  I had a teacher in high school that made all of his students memorize this phrase: I am a unique child of God, full of potential. It’s true. There will be times when you lack confidence, feel inadequate, and question why you ever ended up here. But even in your weakness, God shines through. Just be yourself.

Transparent Leadership

“That band was so good, you wouldn’t know they were there!”

A strange compliment to receive, no doubt, but one that I immediately understood and deeply appreciated.  Leading music for worship is unlike any other kind of music performance*.  I like to joke that we need to be good enough not to become a distraction, but not so good that we become a distraction - just play really, really average!  Whether it’s an organist preparing the liturgy, hymns and offering music, or a guitarist/singer leading the congregation in song, church musicians need to strike that careful balance between leading with excellence and just showing off.  Throughout the years in church music ministry, I’ve picked up a few strategies towards achieving that goal.

1. It starts with your heart.  A church musician really needs to get a grasp on their role in worship.  Not only are we called to lead people in song, but those songs and hymns are to be directed to God rather than any of us gathered in the room. That’s an incredibly different dynamic from performing with a bar band.  This job requires humility, respect, reverence, and most of all, honesty.  And while there’s no doubt that all performers appreciate compliments for their hard work, we also need that voice reminding us that the credit doesn’t matter.  The true measure of ‘success’ is not found in how many people appreciated the postlude on the organ or the drum fills, but whether or not we helped people raise their voices in song.

2. Practice, practice, practice.  This may be so obvious it goes without saying, but musicians need to be well-prepared.  This goes back to that quote I opened with.  If our goal is to provide the background for people’s singing, then we certainly don’t want to train-wreck the song by fumbling around.  I’ve observed a glaring difference of expectations when it comes to the skill of traditional and contemporary worship musicians.  Imagine a church where Joe Smith says to the pastor, “I would really love to play the organ for worship! I’ve only really learned to play Chopsticks and Bach’s Minuet in G, but I really feel it’s my calling to serve in this way.”  And the pastor replies, “Great! You’ll find the hymnal on the organ.  Can’t wait to sing “This is Feast” on Sunday!”.  Nope. Wouldn’t happen.  But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guitarists, who know about 12 chords, put up in front of a group and asked to lead.  There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with leading songs, and we musicians need to be as prepared as we can be, which leads to the next point.

3. Embrace your role.  It’s a really amazing thing to be playing a song and hear the sounds of hundreds of voices joining along.  As musicians, we are really privileged to use our God-given artistic abilities while we worship and to be able to help others do the same.  Psalm 33:3 says, “Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy.”   Play excellent, but always in service to those gathered to worship, and always for Him alone.

Or, as Bach would say at the end of every piece he composed: Soli Dei Gloria - to God alone be the glory!

*The word “performance” can have a bad connotation in worship as some people equate the word with a musician “performing” to bring attention to themselves or putting on a show.  However, I use the word in it’s most benign way, which is to describe the act of playing rehearsed music in front of a group of people.